06/25/2003 Archived Entry: "The Onion Gets Something Right"

The week's Onion has an article entitled Genocide Is Such a Harsh Word that has an evil person speaking from the perspective of an idiotarian:

As with most things, your opinion of my regime depends entirely upon your perspective. Yes, there is proof of the live burial at Thayetwa and the fire raids on the grade school in Syway, but you really had to be there to understand what went on. We have a saying in Kunhing: "One man's torture center is another man's retreat where one is released from the shame of being born into this world a Shan."

Perhaps the lowest blow of all was when the U.N. tribunal brought up my silly little nickname, "Ma-ubbin Toukka." Yes, technically, it does mean "one who grinds human skulls into a fine powder with his boot." But the true spirit of it gets lost in the translation.

So how am I supposed to get a fair trial now? A person hears a phrase like "genocide," and they close their minds to everything else. They completely ignore the fact that, even to this day, these agrarian curs are marrying non-Shan. But all it takes is just one U.N. tribunal to scream "genocide," and you're forever labeled a bloodthirsty mass-murderer. "Bloodthirsty"? Who does this sort of name-calling benefit?